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vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - asskickingboots - 01-05-2020

Damn right I started writing this as soon as I knew who we were facing. I haven't been as proud of one of these since, well, the Texans a few years back when all I had to do was tell you their QB was Brian Hoyer eight different ways.


The strings of fate
The past week was one big party to KC sports fans. In a span of 90 seconds home viewers got to listen to former Chiefs radio announcer and national treasure Kevin Harlan call two games at once, FEC rules be damned! Even on TV you FELT the moment the crowd knew the Chiefs were getting that much needed bye.

It was like winning two games at once. The last time I felt that much elation at a game was ruined 4 seconds later when I realized Dee Ford lined up offsides and left me with two sticky messes in my pants.

So a season that for about a month’s time felt like a wasted opportunity turns out was simultaneously failing just enough that the Chiefs could snag a Hall of Fame defensive end on waivers, the exact position they needed most, and just enough success to get that coveted number two seed and all it took was a victory so Fitztragically impossible Vegas had Miami as a 17 point dog. But what does Vegas know, they actually want the Raiders. Of course they don’t believe in Fitzmagic.

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I haven’t felt the strings of fate pulled this hard since the 2015 Royals.

The tangentially related Tom Brady sized elephant in the room
The divisional round is an archaic title for next weekend. Why? Because not every division winner makes the divisional round anymore as was proven yesterday. The end of an era, one even more significant than the Matt Moore era in KC, maybe. Is this the last ride for Brady and Belichick together?

Mike Vrabel must have sacrificed his mustache in some kind of ancient demonic ritual he learned from Belichick to gain the gnostic elusive knowledge of how to kill their demogorgan foe and that was a waste of good womb broom as it was what every drunk sports bar patron outside of Boston was hoping they would do; pound Derrick Henry in hard without asking for any kind of consent. Brady’s last pass might be a touchdown to a FORMER patriot. "We're still here" my ass.

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(Pictured: A man who is not "still there")

Once Tom Brady is done crying himself to sleep on a bed made entirely of loose fiddies and using his supermodel wife's funbags as a pillow he'll have to come to the harsh reality that he may be done. Not with life mind you. His lifestyle is the type of shit a CGI blue Will Smith would tell you is gonna take up two of your wishes minimum. Even if he's not done with football, the patriots may be done with him as he's not under contract right now.

(Note: I had a hard time not posting a picture of Gisele's funbags. Worth a look.)

What happens next will be amazing.

Do the Pats sell out their future acquiring the likes of AJ Green and Amari Cooper to give Brady a proper send off? Does Darth Hoodie demonstrate his brutality by giving Tom a viking funeral and snatching some new youngling apprentice to mold to his sinister ways? Is there some cagey veteran salivating over the opportunity to helm the Death Star? Is the 9,001st trade by the Pats since Belichick the first FOR a QB? Will we see TB12 selling vitamins in a Bengals uni or will he just fuck off? Is 30 for 30 Famous Jameis the next Pats QB? Can Robert Kraft get even more fingers in his butthole at a strip mall massage parlor? Is there a way I can shoehorn in an Antonio Brown reference for no sane reason? I just did.

For the first time in over a decade I'm genuinely interested in hearing about what the Patriots are going to do this offseason since it could very well determine a big chunk of the future in the AFC.

But for right now, as Booger McFarland might say in between drawing phalluses on the telestrator, losing yesterday is really going to hurt the Pats chances at advancing in the playoffs. The beast is slain… for now.

Mahomes v. Watson: Round 2
Until injuries take their toll and gaia swallows up one of these players whole this will remain one of the most anticipated and over-analyzed AFC QB matchups for years to come that will force Bears fans to viscerally change the channel when mentioned, but saying so is giving a pass to the 9 other teams that passed on Mahomes. This is the debate to have about the 2017 draft class. Patrick Lavon Mahomes II v. Derrick DeShaun Watson.

As much as I clearly prefer Mahomes and will statistically back that up in a moment, it’s important to state that the 3rd year player and 2 time Pro Bowler Watson ain’t too shabby himself and he did win a bizarre matchup with the Chiefs earlier in the year. But let us talk about what happened yesterday.

In the face of almost as much pressure as Derrick Thomas could generate by himself in a single game, Watson’s line surrendered a whopping 21.9% sack rate on their way to 7 sacks, yet he still had an efficient game. Somehow Watson was 20 for 25, 247 yards, 1 TD, 0 INTs, a 121.2 rating, and tack on another 14 rushes for 55 yards as his body fled in full self-preservation mode.

But when it comes time to compare the QBs themselves, don’t let Texans fans tell you 2019 Watson is more efficient than 2019 Mahomes. That’s far more QB meme than reality that’s really only supported by one major stat, completion percentage (Watson 67.3% / Mahomes 65.9%).

The two have thrown nearly the same TD rate (Watson 5.3% / Mahomes 5.4%), but Mahomes threw picks at a far lower rate (Watson 2.4% / Mahomes 1%). Mahomes averages a half yard more per attempt (Watson 7.8 / Mahomes 8.3). Watson’s game is dependent on short passes whereas Mahomes only threw a lot of short passes on the lack of a consistent running game.

Even the most basic bitch efficiency stat of all, QB Rating, shows Mahomes is better (Watson 98.0 / Mahomes 105.3) and the gap on QBR was even wider somehow (Watson 69.5 / Mahomes 78). Need I remind you this year was considered an injury riddled let down for Mahomes.

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Mahomes is a better QB. That's science. The best someone can twist the stats to do is make Watson look like he’s in the same zip code.

Watt-ever, that defense still sucks
Watson faced a great defense and mostly persevered, but his real saving grace was that he was facing an incompetent boob at QB.

If you just look at the stat line it’d be easy to assume Josh Allen had a good game, a combined 372 yards passing/rushing/receiving. That does not tell the story of Allen trying his damndest to give the game away before the Texans whimpered into an unimpressive second chance in overtime alone win.

Allen was taking dogshit sacks, dropping the ball in what looked like a glitch in the Matrix it was so unforced, a lateral so derpy he could get disability by showing a government worker video of it, being aided by game management that went for a 4th & 27 while in long FG range with time and timeouts left, and tossing up winged prayers far before necessary that could have ended the game in a moment’s notice. The Texans still likely would have lost if the refs didn't call a ticky tack blindside block in OT when the Bills were already in FG range.

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But the simple fact remains that the Bills, a team that had the 9th worst yardage offense in the regular season, put up 425 yards on the Texans D. That’s 95 more yards than their season average and they faced an inept schedule of failures. Hell, that’s 18 yards more than the Ravens average. 

The season stats for the Texans aren’t any more comforting, for their fans anyway. I can’t believe I failed to notice this while making my playoff predictions, which may be why the Bills-Texans game was closer than I expected, but the Texans have a minus 7 point differential on the season. Yes, circumstantially they were close to being 12-4, but they won some bullshit close games to get to 10-6. I was generally aware of that, but I was so focused on the weak schedule for the Bills I didn’t realize it was that bad for the Texans.

The Texans defense literally gave up 26 more points on the season than the Jets. I’m sure Houston sports stations will be lined up with ignorant doofs proselytizing Monday about JJ Watt existing and expecting 800 yards of offense against that Chiefs defense… a defense that gave up 77 less points than they did and finished as the 5th best scoring defense even after a shaky start.

The Texans gave up 6.1 yards per play this season! That’s tied for worst in the whole damn league. That defense is going to have to face the Chiefs that forced 6.2 yards per play?! But hey, at least their middle of the road offense gets to face our top 10 defense, so they’ve got that going for them.

Bill O'Brien sucks. Romeo Crennel sucks. I don't know who Tim Kelly is, some young first year offensive coordinator apparently, but I'm sure he sucks too. This game is over before it even starts.


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - ChiefsChick23 - 01-06-2020

Bravo.


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - ChiefsChick23 - 01-09-2020

They painted the end zones gold again.

Chiefs by 100.


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - NOLA - 01-09-2020

(01-09-2020, 11:18 AM)ChiefsChick23 Wrote:  They painted the end zones gold again.

Chiefs by 100.

But are they gonna wear red-on-red?


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - asskickingboots - 01-09-2020

(01-09-2020, 11:27 AM)NOLA Wrote:  
(01-09-2020, 11:18 AM)ChiefsChick23 Wrote:  They painted the end zones gold again.

Chiefs by 100.

But are they gonna wear red-on-red?

I love the red on red, but with the classic gold red zones I like the classic look.


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - ChiefsChick23 - 01-10-2020

(01-09-2020, 12:33 PM)asskickingboots Wrote:  
(01-09-2020, 11:27 AM)NOLA Wrote:  
(01-09-2020, 11:18 AM)ChiefsChick23 Wrote:  They painted the end zones gold again.

Chiefs by 100.

But are they gonna wear red-on-red?

I love the red on red, but with the classic gold red zones I like the classic look.

THIS.

Gold end zones require red on whites.  If it was good enough for Len Dawson, it's good enough for Patrick Mahomes.


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - tyecopeland - 01-10-2020

Kelce has been limited at practice all week. Jones popped up as limited on Thursday and at best will be limited today it sounds like.


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - ChiefsChick23 - 01-10-2020

(01-10-2020, 01:09 PM)tyecopeland Wrote:  Kelce has been limited at practice all week. Jones popped up as limited on Thursday and at best will be limited today it sounds like.

The rumor mill suggests Jones got hurt playing locker room basketball?

Angry


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - asskickingboots - 01-10-2020

(01-10-2020, 01:14 PM)ChiefsChick23 Wrote:  
(01-10-2020, 01:09 PM)tyecopeland Wrote:  Kelce has been limited at practice all week. Jones popped up as limited on Thursday and at best will be limited today it sounds like.

The rumor mill suggests Jones got hurt playing locker room basketball?

Angry

It's part of why players love to play for Reid, he gives them some leeway other coaches definitely don't, including a full size basketball goal in the locker room apparently. Ron Rivera took away a ping pong table as quick as he showed up in Washington.

This is one of those things I simultaneously understand and don't. The players deserve to be treated like adults and the fans deserve having the players they care about wrapped in bubble wrap outside of training and games. Finding a healthy in between is difficult, but locker room basketball?


RE: vs. Texans - AFC Divisional Round - NOLA - 01-10-2020

(01-10-2020, 01:14 PM)ChiefsChick23 Wrote:  
(01-10-2020, 01:09 PM)tyecopeland Wrote:  Kelce has been limited at practice all week. Jones popped up as limited on Thursday and at best will be limited today it sounds like.

The rumor mill suggests Jones got hurt playing locker room basketball?

Angry

Oh for fuck's sake.  I'm really trying to go with the idea that with Mahomes this is a whole new era freed from the general Chiefsness of the Chiefs, but this is some classic Chiefs shit here.