Behold! It’s the time of year when every draft pick is a future repeat Pro Bowler. It’s a unique point in the life of a rookie player. A Brandon Carr can be magically transformed into the next Dale Carter. Through the magic of a first name in common, Derrick Johnson can prematurely be crowned the reincarnation of Derrick Thomas. Tre Stallings is the next Will Shields, and Brian Johnston is the next Jared Allen.

Congruences are sought out by necessity. Fans don’t have the time or the resources to make qualitative analyses of every player available (the ones who claim they have are lying through their teeth). Opinions are based on stat sheets, talking heads, and fan-assembled youtube highlight reels. Thus, from April to August, followers fantasize about what may or may not come to pass in autumn, and while intellectually aware that most draft picks don’t pan out, it’s impossible not to dream a little bit.

Bearing that in mind, I now offer you my ill informed, premature opinion of the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2010 draft. (more…)

As this is the eve of the 2010 draft, I’d like to begin this piece by offering you all my personal draft predictions for our favorite team. (more…)

In the words of William J. LePetomaine, sometimes the affairs of state must take precedence over the affairs of state.

That’s the cleverest reference I could think of to explain why I’ve been absent for a while. Mind you, for him, the affairs of state meant getting laid behind the curtains in his office. Mine haven’t been nearly that interesting. Also, my office doesn’t have curtains. (more…)

Feigning offense is a national pastime. Take, for instance, an unremarkable moment nearly three years ago wherein a has been radio personality made a couple of racially insensitive jokes regarding the visual aesthetic of the Rutgers University women’s basketball team mid-game. We, the people, claimed moral indignation. Media Matters for America and Al Sharpton lambasted the fallen shock jock. Sponsors, in an attempt to avoid association with a perceived bigot, pulled their ads from his show. Even Hillary Clinton got in on the act, meeting with the team’s coach to discuss the healing process.

Healing process?

Yes, healing process. Those were coach Vivian Stringer’s words to describe how the team would move forward. It became a social responsibility of sorts for the ten championship caliber collegiate athletes to perpetuate the faux outrage. Other facets of their lives–their education, their future, and even their next basketball game–temporarily took a back seat to putting on a sad face for the media. The ladies played their part, pretending for a few days that a joke about the coarseness of their hair, made by a balding man wearing a Canadian tuxedo, had caused them great pain and suffering. (more…)

Take away the wins and losses for a moment and examine some of the ancillary aspects of being a football fan, and you’ll discover that following a bottom rung team is a double edged sword. You’re not likely, for instance, to be watching all that many national broadcasts. As such, you’ll never have to listen to Tony Kornheiser, which is undoubtedly a positive. You may, however, find that for several weeks of the season, you’ll be subjected to the likes of Rich Gannon and Ian Eagle.

I love Rich Gannon. I’m too young to have seen Len Dawson play. Thus, for me, Rich was the first good quarterback I saw wearing my team’s colors who wasn’t past the age at which a signal caller should be put out to pasture. Rich speaks well and knows a lot about football, and his knowledge isn’t limited to the scope of the position he played. His traveling companion, on the other hand, may or may not know a lot about football. I honestly don’t know, because I have yet to reconcile myself to the idea of listening to a man hellbent on using the word “ath-o-letic”. (more…)

During Todd Haley’s reign, the Chiefs have employed seven quarterbacks. Of them, Chiefs fans really only had the opportunity to fully observe and evaluate two of them. In five years of wearing red and gold, three of them as a part time starter, Damon Huard failed to wow anybody beyond Herm Edwards and Mike Solari. One of Haley’s first acts was dismissing Huard, and rightfully so. Tyler Thigpen proved himself to be of some value, but only in an offense tailored very specifically to his strengths. He lasted a little longer, but was never under consideration for the top job.

Of the remaining five, two cannot be fairly evaluated by Chiefs fans at all. Ingle Martin never attempted a pass in the NFL outside of limited late game preseason play for Green Bay and Denver. If his 2009 UFL season stats (39/81, 1 TD, 5 INT) are any indication, however, Kansas City is probably better off without him. Matt Gutierrez has two regular season attempts, one for the Chiefs and one for the Patriots. Both were completions, but 2/2 is hardly a stunning resume. (more…)

The Comedy of Errors was one of Shakespeare’s first plays. The storyline centers around two sets of twins, unaware of each other’s existence, who by happenstance all end up in Ephesus at the same time. Each is repeatedly mistaken for his brother, leading to considerable chaos and, on two occasions, severe beatings.

The Kansas City Chiefs, similarly, have stumbled upon considerable chaos and, on several occasions, severe beatings. As with the characters in Shakespeare’s Comedy, the Chiefs find their troubles rooted in mistaken identity–several of their players have been mistakenly identified as NFL-caliber players. (more…)

Starting QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 1 Pro Bowl
Starting RB: Willie Parker, 2 Pro Bowls
Starting WR: Hines Ward, 4 Pro Bowls
Starting DL: Aaron Smith, 1 Pro Bowl
Starting ILB: James Farrior, 2 Pro Bowls
Starting OLB: James Harrison, 2 Pro Bowls
Starting DB: Troy Polamalu, 5 Pro Bowls

The Kansas City Chiefs aren’t built this way. Brian Waters is the team’s only repeat Pro Bowler. Mike Brown, Mike Vrabel, and recent acquisition Chris Chambers have each appeared once. Todd Haley understands the difference. His father, Dick Haley, was a personnel man for the Steelers for two decades. He drafted a lot of Pro Bowlers and Hall of Famers–four in 1974 alone (Lynn Swann, Jack Lambert, John Stallworth, and Mike Webster). The Steelers continued to draft well long after Dick’s departure. That’s why they still win Super Bowls. (more…)

I believe in evolution. I don’t know that Darwin’s hypotheses on the subject are unequivocally factually correct, but I do believe that a species adapts to its climate over time, primarily through survival of the fittest. It’s a process that takes generations upon generations to complete, however, and as a result there is no real chance for us to observe any discernible difference in the character of a species, particularly our own, in a single lifetime.

In 1985, William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry was the largest player in the NFL. He entered the league at a playing weight of 325 pounds. The next largest player on that Super Bowl winning Bears squad was offensive lineman Mark Bortz, who clocked in at a svelt 282. Perry was primarily a defensive lineman. He outweighed the next largest Bears’ defender, nose tackle Steve McMichael, by 55 pounds. More famously, he was also occasionally used as a fullback. He outweighed starter Matt Suhey by over 100 pounds. (more…)